Dear Donald: Toss the Red Herring, Now

July 12, 2017

Dear Mr. President,

I know you’re good at outrunning your problems. Access Hollywood, Trump University, housing discrimination, etc. As the old joke goes…you’re pretty good at keeping things between you and the bear. That might mean the Russian bear, but this time it’s the media — angry, liberal, biased, fake and broken. Such losers. Oh, and there’s that Mueller guy too. Double loser.

So here’s my best advice: Toss the Red Herring. Now. Because losers or not, they’re locked onto your scent.

Trump as Red HerringI think you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about, but just in case, here’s the definition: To send off course. The luring of a player away from its preferred position or plan.

Call it a bluff, canard, dead cat, feint, logical fallacy, McGuffin, misdirection, ruse, sandbag, smokescreen, Trojan horse. Whatevs. You’re really good at running this play, and this Russia thing and your sonny boy’s sloppiness are a big problem. You’ve got to create a diversion.

It’ll have to be a whopper, too. But, hey, you’re the president and the media’s not. Right?

Careful, though. I’ve watched your surrogates pitch the Hillary Ukraine thing. Hannity can’t even sell it. And Kellyanne might do your bidding, but you keep sending her out before all the news is written. She’s gotta be pissed. And that gorilla, Chris Cuomo’s, laughing.

Screenshot 2017-07-12 09.10.15There’s a long list of upsides to the Red Herring (see above). Most important, it buys you time. But you already know that. You’re the best fish tosser of all time. I mean, The Election Integrity Commission? That was inspired. And your very own witch hunt of CNN? Genius.

Screenshot 2017-07-12 09.15.02Now, just to be clear, there are a couple downsides to this strategy you love so much, like the possibility that the fake news folks will catch on (see above). But, hey, so long as FOX keeps doing its job and you keep tweeting, you’re cool. As Meghan Trainor might sing it, it’s all bout the base, bout the base.

You need a distraction. Here’s a short list for Steve Bannon to edit:

FEAR  Send a cruise missile into North Korea. Just a fly over. Those B-1s are pretty, but take it up a notch.

UNCERTAINTY  Those things you’re not supposed to touch at NASA? Declassify the files on Area 51. It’ll help sell the military budget line item and, in a weird way, help build The Wall. Talk about aliens?!

DOUBT  Fake an epidemic. The CDC’s probably got some nasty stuff to throw into the Sacramento Delta. Jerry Brown deserves it anyway.

You can try other plays. The Peacock is always worth a few jammed media cycles. So are the Call Outs, especially on Obama, because, gosh, who else would do that? And I’m a real fan of logical fallacies, so keep baiting the Clinton’s, especially Chelsea.

But, really, it’s time to throw the bomb, er, Hail Mary. You need something big. You need a distraction of uge proportions. So think about the fishiest of plays. Don’t dally. The hunt is on and, waddaya know, you’re the fox!

Post by Alan Kelly